Second guessing myself
Tuesday, 13 May 2025 19:34![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elusivekThere might be some TMI and gross-y thing being said, so I'm going to put these under a cut.
I'll admit, I'm not that overly close to my Dad. Due to reasons, I really was just brought up by my Mom. Not to say I don't consider my Dad, my DAD, but, I think some of you would understand. He's my Dad, yes, I love him, yes, but he wasn't exactly always there because he had to work overseas.
But I thought I know him well enough. I know he wouldn't like to live "like a vegetable". So he's probably half pissed and depressed now that he's almost a vegetable in terms of being all tubed up.
He was awake today but obviously couldn't communicate because he was all intubated. He tried to say something, but I just couldn't understand him because intubated, he couldn't make a sound. But he made some hand gestures, I thought he wanted a pen and paper to write but that wasn't it. If I'm being really crude, it's like a hand gesture people may use to indicate having sex (one hand with the index finger out like a gun and then the other hand shaped like a cylindrical thing and the other finger pointing into it.)
Couldn't understand him, but then later the nurses were flushing out his bladder, so I guess he was trying to say his catheter was making him uncomfortable?
But he was calm when he was trying to gesture to me. I just tried to talk about random things in hope one of the things I mentioned was what he wanted to talk about. About his infection. How many days it has been. What's going on (hemodialysis, etc).
Later, Mom went in and when she came out, she said "your dad wants to die." I'm like. Huh? That wasn't the vibe I got from him. Do I not understand my Dad to such an extent?
Later when we were waiting for the doctor (we never got to see the doctor today), they had to wheel a bed out and Mom was like "hey that's my husband!" and started crazy calling his name and trying to run after the nurses/doctors and the bed. I was like "Geez Mom calm down that's not Dad!" because, if they were moving him elsewhere, they would have said something. Or. He's totally improved and can be discharged from ICU, or, he's dead. So since they never mentioned a thing, it couldn't have been him, but Mom was still trying to run after the bed.
So I'm just wondering if it's really Mom that's reading too much into Dad's hand gestures (I kind of think she's feeling guilty about getting the priest to marry them, without my Dad's consent).
I don't know.
I'm so tired and although not exactly stressed, I just couldn't give any more fucks about things around me. The shelter that I volunteer? The one that I log down all the donations received? Yes, I've done the report, but I couldn't be bothered to cross check line by line when the person who's passing the information over does not give me good information. Repeated same screenshots. Screenshots of incomplete transactions. I did the report and said there's definitely some double entries because the information provided just can't verified to check against each other. The lady says then we can't post it because if we've received SO MUCH MONEY then we could definitely make rent.
I usually say something like then I need some more time to check. Today? I was fed up. "I do not have the time and patience to check line by line the incomplete information and make educated guesses for all the screenshots being sent to me."
I haven't told them of the family situation, but at this point in time I'm willing to have that bridge burned. The lady is going to leave town within the year (she said so herself) so they might as well restructure and find people to do that work.
I'll admit, I'm not that overly close to my Dad. Due to reasons, I really was just brought up by my Mom. Not to say I don't consider my Dad, my DAD, but, I think some of you would understand. He's my Dad, yes, I love him, yes, but he wasn't exactly always there because he had to work overseas.
But I thought I know him well enough. I know he wouldn't like to live "like a vegetable". So he's probably half pissed and depressed now that he's almost a vegetable in terms of being all tubed up.
He was awake today but obviously couldn't communicate because he was all intubated. He tried to say something, but I just couldn't understand him because intubated, he couldn't make a sound. But he made some hand gestures, I thought he wanted a pen and paper to write but that wasn't it. If I'm being really crude, it's like a hand gesture people may use to indicate having sex (one hand with the index finger out like a gun and then the other hand shaped like a cylindrical thing and the other finger pointing into it.)
Couldn't understand him, but then later the nurses were flushing out his bladder, so I guess he was trying to say his catheter was making him uncomfortable?
But he was calm when he was trying to gesture to me. I just tried to talk about random things in hope one of the things I mentioned was what he wanted to talk about. About his infection. How many days it has been. What's going on (hemodialysis, etc).
Later, Mom went in and when she came out, she said "your dad wants to die." I'm like. Huh? That wasn't the vibe I got from him. Do I not understand my Dad to such an extent?
Later when we were waiting for the doctor (we never got to see the doctor today), they had to wheel a bed out and Mom was like "hey that's my husband!" and started crazy calling his name and trying to run after the nurses/doctors and the bed. I was like "Geez Mom calm down that's not Dad!" because, if they were moving him elsewhere, they would have said something. Or. He's totally improved and can be discharged from ICU, or, he's dead. So since they never mentioned a thing, it couldn't have been him, but Mom was still trying to run after the bed.
So I'm just wondering if it's really Mom that's reading too much into Dad's hand gestures (I kind of think she's feeling guilty about getting the priest to marry them, without my Dad's consent).
I don't know.
I'm so tired and although not exactly stressed, I just couldn't give any more fucks about things around me. The shelter that I volunteer? The one that I log down all the donations received? Yes, I've done the report, but I couldn't be bothered to cross check line by line when the person who's passing the information over does not give me good information. Repeated same screenshots. Screenshots of incomplete transactions. I did the report and said there's definitely some double entries because the information provided just can't verified to check against each other. The lady says then we can't post it because if we've received SO MUCH MONEY then we could definitely make rent.
I usually say something like then I need some more time to check. Today? I was fed up. "I do not have the time and patience to check line by line the incomplete information and make educated guesses for all the screenshots being sent to me."
I haven't told them of the family situation, but at this point in time I'm willing to have that bridge burned. The lady is going to leave town within the year (she said so herself) so they might as well restructure and find people to do that work.
